"One Morning; Years Ago, All Alone In My Suffering Times of Addiction."

Oh, the cold shriveled in through my leg into the bone and up into my spine. I strained to get comfortable, but the cold concrete bench was hard. It was around 5am, which seemed as lonely as I felt within the inner spirit of my painful withering soul. There was no pillow: no blanket, I only had yesterday T-shirt to use as a blanket. It only covered a portion of my upper body. Yesterday pants were rolled up placed under my head for a pillow. The hard concrete benches were aligned in a circle with a rose garden surrounding them. I had picked the bench which I felt safest from being seen from the street. About every fifteen minutes I hear a motor bike, bus, taxi and car roll down the long hill and past the garden where I was sleeping. I gazed up at the sky and there were no stars, only a dull grey haze from the night time Pokhara smog. No breeze; the trees stood like motionless long towers rolled down the side of the street. They stood earily with dead branches pointing down to the ground as far down as my spirit of bottomless hopelessness! They looked as dead as the spirit I could barely feel within myself.

Oh, I was cold: dirty, hungry, tired and shivering! Would day light ever come? All I had eaten the day before was fifty rupees street momo. I had no money and would have to figure out a way to survive the next twenty four hours. When day light would come I had to get up and go walking, but walk to where? I had no-where to go, no home, no way to take a shower and my socks were dirty. They were placed over the top of my worn  shoes, on the side of the concrete bench in the basundhara park garden located in bank of fewa lake. As another motor bike rolled past me I fell into a haze as hazy as the sky above me.

Oh, ouch! The pain shot all the way up from my left shoulder and into my neck from the cold concrete bench. The cold had bitterly shot into my body. I rolled over to my right side, tucked my hands between my knees and readjusted yesterday T-shirt over my left shoulder for warm. I was shivering, when would day light come I thought to myself? I dazed away and woke up shivering and shaking. I jerked setting up using my hands to rub my arms, and cold sore shoulders. Then I grabbed my rolled up pants and T-shirt. I put on my dirty socks and shoes and walked out of the garden onto the side walk. My legs hurt; my shins were split from walking so much from the day before. I'll walk fast I thought to myself to keep myself warm. My body ached and I had a headache from no rest, no food, and from the cold that had shot into my neck from the concrete bench. The trees were so high you couldn't see the top of them. I wanted a cigarette, but not a soul in the park not even mine. I continued walking up the waters edge of fewa lake and made a right turn. Day light was coming, my instincts told me for I had been through this before. The sound of the freeway had changed to a louder roar. It was a half mile away on the other side of the park. I walked across the small bridge towards the freeway. My body was sick and with blown by liver diseases called Hepatitics C. The fatigue hurt so bad I would shrill in an inner attempt to find more energy. Sometimes I would be so tired from my illness that I would hear myself moaning and breathing heavily. Day in and day out was a struggle for me. The unpleasant symptoms of my illness were getting worse. My head was pounding; my legs had a dull aching pain in the front of them. It was getting a little lighter now and the sound of the freeway was getting louder. I found a picnic iron table in the park and sat on it and put my head on the top of its green wood. Day light was coming and with it would come another lonely day in Basundhara Park. I would walk around and ask people for change I thought to myself.

With my head on the picnic table I fell into a light hazy sleep. I endured this life from day to day. Little did I know that every time day light broke God was preparing a new day light with in my soul! Little did I know that with the warmth that day light broke that God was preparing the warmth for my spirit. Little did I know that the bank of fewa lake I just walked by contained God's loving flowing graced love and healing! Little did I know that past this hopelessness I had become an honor student, when I was in school. Little did I know that God brought up my hope and faith to be as strong as the cold concrete that I slept on during those lost and lonely nights. Little did I know, but God had delivered me an inner strength that was taller than the  trees that were too tall for me to see past the hopelessness at that time. Little did I know that God was preparing me to write this story because at that time there was no way out!