AN INCOMPLETE RAINBOW : THE MISSING PIECES OF SEXUALITY DISCOURSE

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

 Hetero, homo, bi- trans and we think we have defined the spectrum of sexuality. We are not, after all, confining ourselves to the binary world of sexual hierarchy and this makes us happy. Going beyond the binary has been achieved. We can now pat our backs and cheer ourselves for the progressive step that we have taken in defining yet again the various shades of sexuality. I would like to spoil the party and want to put a semicolon to the celebration of sexuality re-defined. The discourse of sexuality in my opinion stands on one singular assumption. The assumption of human beings being sexual beings; assumption that each one of us is sexually attracted or have sexual feelings, no matter how dormant they are.  This assumption lays the premise of viewing the homosepians as perpetually wanting to be in a state of sexual desire. The frequency and intensity of desire again is out there to be measured and the "sub- normal desires are labeled as "atypical" or “abnormal" with a surprising alacrity. On this premise stands an edifice where there is no room for the people at the periphery. The ones whose sexuality and sexual drive have been a topic of public domain; a group which has been declared “unfit" to be a part of the colour palate called sexuality.   

Asexuality (or non-sexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. Asexuality has its own spectrum too. From feeling no sexual attraction to having those feelings under exceptional circumstances it encompasses a whole array of asexual behaviours and its manifestations. The dialogue on sexuality and the acceptance of its manifestations would remain severely wanting if it does not recognize and address asexuality and its range.    

I have always struggled with my own sexual space in a certain way. Feelings of oppression and stiffness have enveloped my entire being all this while. Identifying as a heterosexual all my life, I have only felt sexually attracted to two people ever in my life with very little interest in the actual act of sex. These two people were close friends of mine who were my "go to" people. They claimed membership of the tiny, intimate core group I call “friends" Every time I was told to "move on" after the death of the only man I have ever loved, I found it difficult to wrap my head around the concept of "moving on". Does it mean I enter a sexual relationship? Does it imply that I should form a romantic bond leading to sexual intimacy or visa-versa? Does it mean that my sexual need is the sole criterion that defines me? The "moving on" was defined in terms of entering any relationship, the end product of which would be sexual intimacy (With or without the emotional element). Each person has their own trajectory of moving on, their own personal coping mechanism. It is more an emotional and psychological path rather than a relational path that has its roots in sexual allegiance. 

The big question-mark started appearing in my head when I found myself not understanding the concept of one-night stand or a purely sexual relationship. I am not a prude but certainly not being a part of the premise of sexual attraction in action makes me one? I am not judgmental but certainly telling someone that  " It doesn't rock my boat" makes me a reluctant judgementalist?

Tormented by my flood of emotional tsunami that was wiping me clean, scared of being judged for being judgmental, I put a finger on my lip. Finally, the finger came undone with the discovery that there is nothing faulty in me, I do not need fixing. I am whole. Have always been whole.

I am who I am. With that realization I took a step towards claiming my own space in the sexuality spectrum and becoming comfortable with it. I do not need to be “complimented" by a man or a woman or anything which lies between these two extremities. I complete my own universe, I'm the sun of my own solar system. I am no more distraught by the fact that a deep emotional connect leading to sexual intimacy may never come. Its arrival will be greeted with a cheer and a clap but it's absence, from henceforth would not be felt.

The space has shifted. From questioning my predilections to embracing them, the space of my claim has widened. My personal rainbow is complete. The rainbow so enthusiastically worn as a symbol of embodiment of celebration of sexual diversity however is still missing important pieces. The pieces that do not fit the traditional- modern definition of sexuality and its varied expressions.